Star Inside of Me - Joe Budden
There’s still some of that power left in me
I’m not gonna lie, R. Kelly sings some of the most inspirational R&B songs I’ve ever heard…
First it was I Believe I Can Fly, then it was The World’s Greatest…
Now its this song called I Believe
My God R. Kelly you have done it again
now it’s my turn to believe that I’m gonna make it through this semester…pass these two exams tomorrow and keep my hopes and dreams alive!
My morale keeps sinking to a level that I didn’t think was ever possible to reach. Maybe WSU isn’t right for me…maybe it’s time for a change of scenery. I’m sure summer vacation will help take my mind off of things for a few months, but then this pain will just come back all over again. I can’t think of a moment in college where I have been truly happy. It’s that bad! I hate it here…I hate not having people here that I can rely on to help get me through this. So far, choosing WSU has been the worst decision of my life. One of the worst feelings here is walking into the AAPI Center, the one place I try to call home, and knowing that I don’t have any “real” friendships there. I mean getting into the athletic training program is the closest thing to making me happy, but I’m on the verge of not being a part of that any longer because of grades. During this struggle, my grades have taken a hit, my ability to follow my heart is gone. I feel like I don’t even know my purpose in life anymore or who I am. I don’t know what I’m suppose to do! I wanna be able to sleep without having to worry about what will make me feel like shit the next day. Or keep telling myself that this is all a dream that I will one day wake up from. Something will always be haunting me; whether that be from the past, in the present or the near future. I know that the only one that can get me through this is me because I just don’t believe what anyone has to say to me anymore.
“It’ll be better the next time”
“It can’t get any worse”
“You’ll always be the man”
That’s all bullshit! I cry myself to sleep at least 5 days of the week hoping that my puddle of tears rid me of my pain. I keep telling myself that I’m gonna be able to get through this. But today, I’ve fallen reached a point where I’ve lost all confidence in myself and I can’t do anything that I was able to accomplish in the past. WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?!?! If my guardian angel is still watching over me, I would love every opportunity for a sign to point me in the right direction.
This is what happens when I keep saying that nothing bad will happen or can happen to me. This is what I deserve for having the mouth of a sailor, for being mean to other people, and losing my belief in God. Well I don’t think I can get anymore miserable than I am feeling at this moment. There are two weeks of school left plus dead week and finals week. I currently have an A, a B-, and 3 C+’s. Those 3 C+’s are killing me because those are all in athletic training classes and we need at least a B- or else you get put on probation or even kicked out of the athletic training program. And on top of that, I have to finish 8 compentencies in a period of 2 weeks or else I’m gone from the athletic training program. In those two weeks, I have a Bio Exam, Upper Extremity Exam, BOC modalities assignment, a poster presentation that I haven’t even finished yet, umping for softball to get by financially and training for rowing. So basically my future is in jeopardy. This is gonna be the biggest mountain I am ever going to climb.
I hate not having anybody outside of my athletic training family to turn to. I hate not having someone to talk to that is willing to listen outside of that family. I never thought I’d say it, but I miss having you there for me Jordan Coover! I was so grateful for everything that you’ve done for me and helping me from the first day of junior high all the way through high school.
I feel like I’ve done everything I can to make it through this semester. I dropped sociology to free up some time, I have comps set up just to fail them later on which is absolutely demoralizing, I haven’t gone to the rec in about 2 months, and I’ve pulled all-nighter after all-nighter just to catch up and get my grades to where they are at right now. It’s tough to admit it but my best just isn’t gonna cut it this time. And yes, I know 100% in my heart that I’ve done the best that I possibly do, which hurts cuz I am still so far behind. The only thing left to do is keep pushing through and hope that it will be enough. I am so exhausted and drained from the entire semester. But in my mind, I know I gotta make it and the only one that can get me through is me! My future comes down to one month of school….I just gotta gain the confidence that I had once before because I keep doubting that I’ll make it.
Even though I told myself that I moved on
Deep down I keep on holding on
It’s crazy but true
Girl I’m missing you
And although I’m with somebody else
Girl I can’t keep lying to myself
And no matter what I gotta face the truth
She just ain’t you
